The Jozen One

 What does depression look like?  For me, sometimes it just looks like stepping back and not being the one who makes the joy happen around her.  It gets exhausting to feel like I'm the only person in my world driving the positive.  Do you ever feel like if you just shut your mouth and kept your thoughts to yourself entirely that all the good feelings would slow to a sad mud sinking halt. It does for me. It stops.  For the last 2-3 years, there has been no engine running in my circles that is not operated by me.  I need someone who makes it go when I can't.  Or not. I think I'll go sleep. Sleep is a good place where I don't have to do the going. Sleep.

Childhood memories are fascinating. I know these events took place and in what order, but my memory of the events are only remembered because at the end of the experience I could then apply knowledge to the whole time, at which point the memory became focused. One particular summer day when I was very small, my Grandmother was telling me about something we were going to do, though I didn't understand at the time I could remember that it was to be special. Following her around the kitchen, she gathered a bowl full of sugar, a paring knife, and a kitchen towel. None of that would have had any impact to form a memory if the next thing hadn't happened. Grandma walked us out to her yard and stopped at a big red and green bush. It looked like celery but it was bigger and it had fluffy leaves. She told me it was called the Rhubarb and it was very sour like the sourgrass or a lemon. She had us sit down in the dirt next to the bush and she started to cut the stalks near the ground and p...

 When I say "Baptism" what come to mind? Do you see fancy baby ceremonies at mass, or a blow up hottub in a gymnasium? Are you picturing a well lit baptismal on a stage or a swimming pool in Deacon Jims backyard? How about a small lake in upstate Minnesota for our setting. Yes. That's where we'll go.  I don't have perfectly detailed memories of the Sunday that I prayed the prayer of Salvation in Sunday school, but I have a distinct memory about how that day felt. I heard the stories of Jesus, understood that we were all sinners, recognized that he'd died for my sins and wanted to thank Him for that gift everyday with the rest of my life.  I was 7 years old. I remember feeling joy, telling my grandmother and her being very excited about it. I don't remember telling anyone else and I believe my grandmother told my mom and stepfather.  I'm not certain how long after that Sunday the Baptisms happened, or even if they happened that very day. I don't rem...

It's one of those nights.  I'm getting ready for bed, my pillows are set, the blanket is waiting and I know that I'm going to hit that mattress and stay WIDE awake for the next 3 hours letting my mind say all the things and fear all the worst. Tonight, I decided to try something different. I ran downstairs and grabbed my laptop because I knew that when my ranting brain started I wanted to catch it all and keep it all.  So what's the topic for tonight on the wide awake brain of the middle aged woman?  Should I start that vegetable garden in our rental house or just wait until we move?  If I start now I could transfer all of the plants in containers and maybe most of them will live and transplant well. But if I just wait then I won't have to spend as much on the materials or double up on anything if some of the plants don't make it. However if I start now then we can start benefiting from the garden, and if unforeseen circumstances have us staying in this house lo...

On Sunday my family gathered slowly and with much coffee to the place where we've gathered nearly every Sunday since March of 2020, the couch.  Our once, "excited to go to church in jammies", moods have now melted down into, "thank God no one can see my bed head and if we ever get back to normal, will we have forgotten that we can't fart whenever it happens upon us?" I know. Silly, but let's be honest, it will be weird.  Pastor Shawn kicked off this week with a fun title: If you Snooze, You Lose. He proceeded to share his lesson on time management < self management and challenged us to assess how we spend our time on social media and with television. This lesson piqued my interest most especially because I did not feel guilty AT ALL about how much social media time I've spent in the past week. So I eagerly opened up my settings and the family shared our "time spent" information with one another.  Although I was not feeling guilty, I did ...

When we are small, we don't know yet that the relationships we see in our adult overlords...are something we can have one day. Think about it. It was not a clear concept to me that I would grow up to be one of those adults. In fact, as odd as it may seem, I didn't realize until I was about 15 years old that that's where I was headed and that I might have some input on what that adulty phase would look like. In my ignorance, there was just this idea that adulting and life would just happen to me.  Expectations are interesting things. Sometimes we don't have them until it's too late to reasonably ask that they be met. Many decisions would have been differently, if I knew that having my own expectation was ok. Yes, I certainly had it in my mind that I would make a home, raise the children, manage the house, handle the social affairs, cook, clean, organize...you know....but, I didn't think that I'd have to go get a job after the kids went to school, grew up, or ...

Never a dull moment with these rockstars🤘