It's not all Rainbows and Sunshine. I didn't want to get out of bed today.

This morning I decided not to be trapped by my mood. It’s been a very Lombard streetish couple of months, and the reality and weight of everything has been a bit much this past week.

When I woke up, I recognized the signs of a slippery miserable mess on the emotional horizon (stay in bed, watch Netflix, eat pickles, avoid people) and I forced myself to find 3 good things to look forward to, to get up and get dressed, and to exercise.

Yes, I get depressed. Yes, I periodically dwell in sadness and fear and stress just like everyone else. Apparently, most people don’t realize that about me, I’m finding that very interesting. Inside Out... I wonder if I think this of others?

My husband said something last night that has me thinking on it today. He said, people have a hard time with you being unhappy. I think people can’t believe that you’re less than what they see most of the time. You’re Leah, you’re up and on and exciting and happy. 

So, today I am writing down the inside story. Today I will show (whomever chooses to read this) what kind of self talk takes place and how I list and talk through my process. My lists are my friends, and my process works for me. It’s how I can earnestly put on a happy face, it’s a choice. 

Now, I definitely don’t advertise my low tide to most people, if you are one of those people who have seen my not sunshiny face, it means that I trust you. I was surprised a few months ago when I asked my group study for prayer about a non-specific stressful situation, when several ladies came up and were shocked to hear that I was under pressure. One of them said to me, “I never knew that you were under such stress, you always seem like you have it all together.” Well, I can’t say that it was upsetting to hear that I don’t appear stressed out, but is it a good thing to appear so “not fazed” by life? I don’t know. I feel like my position required a degree of discretion that made this necessary in many of my circles.

I can’t possibly write or explain the amount of thought and contemplation that is going on in my mind today, but I can breakdown my breakdown… which is something that I find helps me deal with things. 

The Self Talk spiraling down list for this season:

1.    I took an unpaid/planned sabbatical from my job to reduce the emotional, mental, and spiritual stress in my and my family’s life. But the sabbatical was disrupted half way through by losing that job, which spun our whole family’s life back into the very stresses we were trying to take a break from.

2.   We learned that some of our trusted friends, were not.

3.   We are losing a 7 year pillar of our life and routine.

4.    I put on 25 pounds since last summer.

5.   We were financially strained before my sabbatical.

6.   Our landlord is indicating that he wants to sell this house when our lease is up next May. Each person in our family has lived in this house longer than any of us has ever lived anywhere for our entire lives. To say it will be heartbreaking to move, is a gross understatement.

7.   I have realized that if I had not put my college degree on hold, or turned down several amazing job opportunities to serve at this job that I just lost that I would now hold at least one BA, and have saved enough income to be able to buy a house when my landlord wanted to sell this one.

8.    My young adults already know what church burn out is.

9.    I was honorable with my communication, it’s becoming evident that others have not been.

The covered in Grace, logic it out, real lens, practical let’s move on list:

1.    I needed this break regardless of the pay loss because I was in an unhealthy situation. My family needed this break and although I have now suffered a job loss, we’ve all received a health gain.

2.    Real deal friends can take the bad with the good. Although my confidence has been shattered by some, it has been built up more securely than ever by others. The fire proves the trust, this fire proved those who could be trusted.

3.   We refuse to lose our pillars of life, the routine must change. We will not abandon meeting with our church family, we just won’t do so on a Sunday basis. Our community is still our community.

4.    I have lost some of my stress weight, I have gained strength and my summer clothes fit again.

5.   We have had more money at the end of our month than we did before the job loss. Our obedience has “paid” off. Seriously, I don’t know how…but it has.

6.   Home is where your heart is, but a stable stable is good thing. I can’t really do anything about this likelihood, but I can make ready and pray.

7.   No one in my home resents me for taking on the ministry. Although I have not finished school, and I don’t have the nest egg I could have, I became family, friend, mentor, teacher, sister, and pastor to some of the best people in my world. I would not trade that for a degree or treasure, they are my treasure.

8.   My children are not mine, they belong to the Lord and He will walk them through to the next place, and the next, and the next. Burn out is caused by people, not service.

9.   Fear can cause people to believe that they need to lie. Fear also causes people to convince themselves that adding a little truth to their lie makes their lie true… they will learn that it doesn’t. It is not my job to fight that fight.

Life Lessons:

·        *All of this stuff is temporary, and I am not defined by these things or by fearful people.

·        * Have I allowed people to reveal their low tide, and have I been sensitive about their process style? Have I disappeared from someone’s life intentionally or not, because their process was stressful to me?

·        * Have I lost touch with someone because we don’t see each other at a convenient mutual gathering situation?

·        * People are always looking out for #1, if Jesus is #1 it’s evident…if not, it’s also evident. 

      It's not perfect, and it's really a lot more complex than this, but it's what I go to. Yes, of course it's also tempered with prayer and reading the Word and counsel. I just wanted you to know, it's not all rainbows and sunshine, and that's ok.